Food for Thought... Vol XII

What is it? What is it that we all do on a daily basis, that actually makes sense. I sit... I dream... and I write for the simple pleasure of saying that I understand who I am. But in reality... Do I really? I know what I like what I dislike and what I one day wish to accomplish. Ive spent so much time in my life being a selfish bastard and in truth what did I learn from it all... I learned how to alienate myself from my family, friends, women, and just about every other person that Ive come in contact with.

I learned how to set aside my feelings in an attempt to only concentrate on my work, and to claim that there is a greater good out there that doesn't require me to form viable relationships with people that actually want to get to know me. All in all it has always been fear. I can admit that now... I have spent the last year attempting to give people strength through words, because of experiences that I have had in my life, but really, what the hell do I know that you don't already. You as the American public, some of whom I claim as my friends, and some I barely know have all the same experiences as I. I can talk about failed relationships because I have had them. I can talk about trouble, because Ive been in it, I can talk about anything that all of you can, because were all living this life.

Most of those that read this are 30somethings that are still attempting to find themselves, and their place in this world. Thats me I know for sure... But the funny thing is that I hide behind words. I have to, Its my safety net... I use the english language to create strength when in actuality it is because of my weekness that I write... One day I hope to be someone capable of being loved. I hope to allow myself that opportunity... Its not that I haven't had the opportunity to do so, I just havent allowed myself the priveledge... I have run from every true emotional relationship I have ever had, even in friendship. I wouldn't listen to actual reason... I wouldn't allow myself to let people in, and honestly I still dont a lot of the time. I use my words to deflect attention from my emotional side, and use psycho babble, and basic sociology to try and come across as the rational one... I have been trying to figure out over the past year or so why it is that I do this, and have only come to one conclusion... I am more scared of deep human emotion that I am anything else in this world... Now some may say thats not true, because you may know my emotional standing and my self awareness, how ever... there are others that will question why it is so easy for me to just pick up and leave and never say a word again... Truth is, I have been affraid to become attached to anyone, for fear that my vulnurabilities will shine through, and I will have to expose my self for who I am... A grown man that is really still afraid to get hurt... Affraid that someone will claim friendship or love and just walk away... leaving me to my own devices to attempt to start fresh again... Its easier for me to walk away first than it is to face loss, if it should happen to me... Over the years I have dissappointed friends, family, and myself because of stupid decisions I have made, and in truth it was really an attempt to push everyone away, because it was easier to be alone than to take on the responsibility of actually having to be counted on...

I know that scars run deep on some, and worse on others, and I have been through enough therapy to know that my primal behavior is due to early experiences in life, but why now should it still affect me... Its like a cycle that really doesnt need to occur any longer... I have hidden behind charitable contribution, a very plastic social life, and the english language to insure that I expose only enough of myself for people to like me, and I keep hidden my fear so that I can always seem rational, while in truth I am still the scared little boy that I was 23 years ago... Having to leave my home town, having to start fresh, having to wonder about who I will become because all I knew was what I had before. Some people call me a social butterfly, but really who knows me? There are honestly only a very few... I also use social entertainment to divert focus, to change topic, to hide within the crowd capitalizing on comedy and extroverted behavior to push people in to believing that I am the most secure man in the land. My old ego stemmed from the same. I thought that I was the man... I thought that everyone was lucky to know me, to claim me as a friend... What kind of idiot actually believes that? God complex anyone? When in truth most just laughed behind my back, as they should of. I used to claim that I was real when in actuality I was just as plastic as a Barbi Doll really only caring about myself. I was the picture perfect con man, alowing people only to know my intended surface, not really allowing people to know me. Rule #1 in the Con... Expose a little vulnerability and then conceal the rest... Only let people know what you want them to know until they trust you, and then you can claim friendship... Complete and utter idocity. My therapist always said it was a defense mechanism... Whether or not, it was syill always wrong and inhumane.

I have always preached humanity, and helping people, when in truth i didnt even know what the hell those words meant til this past summer. I exposed myself completely to another human being, and I got terribly hurt. It was my own fault really. I was very upfront about wanting things between us to simple, and noncommital, but it changed for me. I saw a future, a dream. I saw that people can be wonderful. I saw that the dynamic of one person can inspire another to be better. I wanted a future with her. I learned that even in a crazy life you could really share time with others and not worry about your faults, that those faults actually make you who you are. She did not want the same. but I learned over time that she taught me more than I ever thought possible. Im not perfect, Im not special, and Im not great... Im human, and it took me getting hurt terribly bad to understand that. I am still friends with this person, and its honestly because of her that I am able to write all of this. I actually appreciate the lesson learned. I dont have to be affraid anymore. I can have close friends, and I can just be me, and for me I feel free. I dont care if people like me or not anymore. Im just me. I still hide behind my words sometimes, but old habits do die hard. I have exposed more about myself to others, and have actually given people the opportunity, to get to know who I really am, and what Im capable of being... I mean lets be honest, its always a work in progress, but at least its progress. The words that I have written this morning are part of that. Some will read this and say what the hell is wrong with this guy, yet others will read and know that what im saying is truth. They will know my old behavior, and see what Im talking about... Most will say yea Bobby was a dick, a self important, self loathing prick that demanded respect but never gave any. All I can do is agree, I was. But now I can just move forward and actually respect so many others. I can be a nameless face in the crowd, or I can participate. At this point in my life I have nothing to prove. I just know what I have to do, and while I continually evolve (much like all of you), I will find my place in this world.

Be well to eachother, and learn from eachother. Take these short years and take the opportunity to truly befriend people, but befriend yourself first, and know that as a human being, you can make mistakes. Thanks for reading, and if theres anything that I can do let me know... I can be here for someone now, I know who I am, and I was there for no one but myself in the past.

One love,
Bobby