Food For Thought... Vol X

For years I have wondered what was to become of my life, my family, my friends and my country. I have lost so much time in protecting my own ass that I have spent much of this summer thinking and dwelling on those that have been close to me over the years. I know that I have made many acquaintances over the years, but what is said of true friendship. I often think about the choices that I have made in life and most of which have been directly affected by the decisions of others. As far as school went I was always more of a follower than a person of substance. I can admit that now, though if you were to have asked me when I was back in high school I would have told you that I was as original as the Eleven Secret Herbs and Spices in KFC's Fried Chicken. HA HA!!! The truth is... I don't think I ever really found myself after that. I went on to two marriages, having a child, and attempting to find my niche, never knowing exactly what I truly wanted of needed. I always went on to the next expected step in life. I look at some of the things that have occurred and wonder if I had messages from God during the processes.

Right before my first wedding i burnt my left hand so badly that I was wearing bandages for the wedding. An experience that I wouldn't want to give or share with anyone. Quite painful, 400 degree vegetable oil. I was also Diagnosed with H Pylori, a parasite that I have apparently had for quite some time. The parasite eats holes in your stomach lining as it grows. I apparently picked it up as a child in Mexico. To make the story more fun... I cant take the medicine to get rid of it. I know this because I started taking them a few days before the wedding. The week that I took them was like hell. This amazing parasite killer tied my stomach in so many knots that I could barely move without wanting to vomit. Yes this was also on the wedding day and most of the Honeymoon that followed. I don't know if these were signs, but honestly... I look back now and wonder. I imagine that though the marriage wasn't for us. At least the child bearing was. We do have a little one together and hes a wonderful example of a child. Well behaved, polite, smart, and hilarious. She is a wonderful Mother to him and is now happy and settled in her life with the man of her dreams and another little one. I will say that though things didn't work out I'm am grateful that she is his mother.

As for the second marriage. It was crazy! This leads me to admit a few things, and help with a few rules. First I will admit that going quickly in to another relationship after your first marriage is a no-no. I was very quick in moving right on. I suppose for me that all was a matter of winning at having a successful home life. I can say though... PLEASE KNOW WHAT YOUR GETTING IN TO!!! Not only did I jump in to a relationship quickly, I asked her to marry me after the long, adjusted period of three months. On her lead, I moved to a new county, started a new job, and decided to plant roots. Please keep in mind, I know that I did this of my own free will, but I look back now and know that it wasn't what I wanted. I thought that I was doing what was next in the accelerated plans that her and I made. Fast engagement, Fast marriage, Quick child, but that's all I knew how to do. Quite moronic if you ask me. I know I was.... Seriously... You don't have to tell me. So here we are on the wedding day. I had apparently used lanolin on my face so I had what resembled on a small scale, a flesh eating bacteria tearing up my skin. Apparently a terrible allergic reaction, though lanolin had never bothered me before. Go figure. Another sign on another big day. We still tied the knot and began our blissful one year together. We were barely together a year and ten months before the split. Over that time I compromised every ounce of my being, bought a house, went against a lot of what I believed in, and found myself very unhappy, as did she. Some of the broad point accusations were a bit off colored, and some of the things that were said over the years have been made into urban myths, but I will still stand my ground on most. In the divorce I lost my house, some friends, developed one hell of a drinking problem, and thought that life was over. I realize now that all was a lesson.

So the rules. Never marry your rebound girl, never buy a house before you know in your heart that your ready, don't plant roots in an area that you spent a lot of time trying to get out of, and always give yourself the opportunity of self repair after a long term relationship. Odds are, if you are not in a relationship that is healthy enough to succeed, then you need to occupy your time trying to figure out what you want, and need as opposed to looking for the next best thing.

From what I have heard over the years... The second wife is doing well. She is doing her thing, has a child, and is living in the county that we resided in together. I do wish her all the best, as I know that I've learned a lot from her.

As for others that I have known throughout the years, I can only hope that they are doing well. Since I've been back around the Southern tip of Maryland lately, I have heard from a few people, and have heard of a few people, but have really been quite content keeping to myself. I have a great Job, and a few friends that I speak to daily, or at least attempt to.

Over the past year, I have lived and learned what life is supposed to be like. I could awake in the city, head to Misha's grab a cup of the life juice we know as coffee, read the paper, and be that nameless face if I wanted. I could have my lunch uninterrupted and make a few calls if needed. I learned solemness. I learned that it's OK to be me. I learned that the only person you need to please when your alone is you. It taught me to be completely comfortable being with just me. I don't have to follow others, in anything. I can express my opinions, my thoughts, and my quirks. I can be an individual, and I don't have to be a part of any particular crowd. Why did it take me so long to figure this out? Because I was so caught up in everyone else's life, everyone else's business, and everyone else's drama. I lost track of me for a while, and this summer saved me.

To those of this summer I praise you. Mark, Will, Erin, Heather, Kate, all of you... I thank you... You have all taught me valuable lessons, and you were all there to listen to my shit!!! Lol!!! Ill never forget any of you...

To those that are just reading... Don't follow, but don't lose touch either... Always remember where you come from and never forget those that help you along the way. We change the lives of others everyday. Whether we just say hi, or decide to make fun... All is always remembered. It will also make for a remembrance of you. If you are kind than others will be kind to you and remember you as such, just the same as if you are mean and pigheaded, but who wants to be remembered in that manner.

Think about it... What do you want out of life?